What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 01:39
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im still living with it.
I said to her
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mum and dad in the seventies!
What do you think about me (Aditya Krishna)?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I think the readers, may guess!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But, we were locked up after school.
We were not on the streets..
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This is soul school!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We all went to grammer schools
Why do humans sweat while stressed?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Would you raise your children like your parents raised you?
So, i spoilt her more .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was seconnd youngest,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And i lived it daily.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I write beautiful poetry .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Ive learnt so much.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I have no regrets .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She loved him until the end.
When she asked me how she looked .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was in good health!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I don,t even have a pension.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It was going to be , some day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She married twice! .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was very sick at this time too.
I waited trembling.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My family never makes their pension either.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was scared of men, in general
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My life is so biszare .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
Comes on , in middle age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was 9 years of age.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But it wasn’t much.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Who then, do I blame.?
All the time i was locked up.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Would this be the day?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She found it foreign!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
What did i know ?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So whats the point in blame.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I will be 64.
One cannot live in the past .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Put me off passion for life!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.